What I might need

I have come to a realization here lately, and with the aid of a friend, I have figured out part of why I do what I do when it comes down to relationships. I have run most of my relationships. I am may have been the bottom in one of two of them, but ultimately I topped. Now this is not to say that the men that I have been with are weak or in any way diminished by the fact that I topped. It simply comes down to the fact that I, more than likely, will require a strong man. Someone who isn’t swayed by the cuteness, the tears, or the battiness. I need someone who has the ability to tell me no. I haven’t really found that just yet, not in the form of an available interested single man at least. 

I have also realized that I have been wanting an “open relationship” but in reality this was just a test, I wanted someone to tell me no. To tell me that I am theirs and we will do things their way. When someone fails this after a while I will start getting bored and I will manipulate them and push them away until they leave, because I deem them unworthy of me. This is a new realization for myself, so this is not say that I have done this in the past because I knew exactly what I was doing. I really had very little idea, although some already new, it took me really seeing it to understand it.

 I have never hid that I am fickle. Never hid that I have issues dealing with emotions, whether they be mine or someone else’s. I don’t try to pretend that I am a great woman that is level headed. I’m not close to being that, but I still consider myself to be a decent person. I am 25 years old. I am still working on me and what I know. It’ll take a lifetime to figure myself out. 

My devastating news.

Some of you know that I recently got some bad news. I found out Friday night that my father has colon cancer. He has known since January. Fortunately it's operable, but for me it's scary because my father was told that most people with what he had (prior to cancer) would get cancer by the time they are 50. My father is 49. My mother has the same thing my dad had before the cancer. She is 48. It's a scary reality that one already has it, and the other likely well get it. My dad has surgery this coming Friday and I am hoping with all my heart and soul this takes care of it and it never comes back elsewhere.

So that's my devastating news that lead to my over emotional negative state lately.

I'm posting this here because I can't talk to any one else about it and for me this isn't something I can process without getting out.