What I might need

I have come to a realization here lately, and with the aid of a friend, I have figured out part of why I do what I do when it comes down to relationships. I have run most of my relationships. I am may have been the bottom in one of two of them, but ultimately I topped. Now this is not to say that the men that I have been with are weak or in any way diminished by the fact that I topped. It simply comes down to the fact that I, more than likely, will require a strong man. Someone who isn’t swayed by the cuteness, the tears, or the battiness. I need someone who has the ability to tell me no. I haven’t really found that just yet, not in the form of an available interested single man at least. 

I have also realized that I have been wanting an “open relationship” but in reality this was just a test, I wanted someone to tell me no. To tell me that I am theirs and we will do things their way. When someone fails this after a while I will start getting bored and I will manipulate them and push them away until they leave, because I deem them unworthy of me. This is a new realization for myself, so this is not say that I have done this in the past because I knew exactly what I was doing. I really had very little idea, although some already new, it took me really seeing it to understand it.

 I have never hid that I am fickle. Never hid that I have issues dealing with emotions, whether they be mine or someone else’s. I don’t try to pretend that I am a great woman that is level headed. I’m not close to being that, but I still consider myself to be a decent person. I am 25 years old. I am still working on me and what I know. It’ll take a lifetime to figure myself out. 

My devastating news.

Some of you know that I recently got some bad news. I found out Friday night that my father has colon cancer. He has known since January. Fortunately it's operable, but for me it's scary because my father was told that most people with what he had (prior to cancer) would get cancer by the time they are 50. My father is 49. My mother has the same thing my dad had before the cancer. She is 48. It's a scary reality that one already has it, and the other likely well get it. My dad has surgery this coming Friday and I am hoping with all my heart and soul this takes care of it and it never comes back elsewhere.

So that's my devastating news that lead to my over emotional negative state lately.

I'm posting this here because I can't talk to any one else about it and for me this isn't something I can process without getting out.

HPV...

Not many people know this about me, but a recent post elsewhere made we decide it was time to tell...

March 2011 I was diagnosed with cervical dysplasia. I was between level II and III. I had gone from nothing a year prior to, to having pre-cancerous cells on my cervix. I was then referred to a gynecologist, who then did a biopsy to see what needed to be done beyond that point. My doctor decided that it would be best to just remove the cells via LEEP, which uses electrical currents to cut away the pre-cancerous cells on the cervix. The removal went well and a year later, nothing was found. I have had nothing pop up since then. 

All of this was caused by HPV. The human papillomavirus is pretty silent, because most don't even realize they have anything wrong with them. Men can't even be tested for it. 

Fast Statistics and Facts About HPV

• Some studies suggest that an estimated 15 percent of men and women between the ages of 15 and 49 are currently infected with genital HPV.
• Women, especially young women, have the highest levels of known HPV infections.
• An average of 14 percent of American female college students get infected with genital HPV each year.
• An average of 28 to 46 percent of women under the age of 25 are infected with genital HPV.
• On average, 60 percent of HIV-negative gay or bisexual men have genital HPV.
• About 26 percent of HIV-negative women have genital HPV.
• On average, 70 percent of HIV-positive women with severely compromised immune systems test positive for genital HPV.
• There are about 30 different types of HPV that can cause a genital HPV infection.
• HPV-16 is the cause of more than 50 percent of cervical cancers in women.
• Cervical cancer is the first cancer in women known to be caused by a virus.
• If a genital HPV infection is persistent after the age of 30 in a woman, there is a greater risk that the woman will develop cervical cancer.
• The average HPV test can find up to 13 strains of the virus that can cause cancer in women.
• There is no clinical way to test for genital HPV in men unless the man already has signs of the infection. A visual inspection is usually the only way to determine the severity of the outbreak.
• The human immune system remembers a certain HPV strain which means it’s possible to become immune to a certain type of HPV. However, there are many different strains, so just because a person is immune to one strain doesn’t mean the individual will not be infected with other strains of HPV.

Because I said so!

If Sir ever said, "because I said so,” "Just because", or "Because I felt like it" I would honestly start to question it. I do not submit to a man who would do something just because. I expect more from the person I am with than that. There’s always a method to the madness. There is always some reason. However that reason may not b e known to me at the time. However it is always something that will be to encourage my growth as a submissive, my growth as a person and our growth as a couple. If a Dom has a sub do something just because, then I see it as just toying with his sub. Fun and games are great for some, but not for me. My submission is not a game; I give it because I trust and respect Sir, not because He came to me and said, “I am your Master, you will submit to Me. ” Toying with my submission will break that trust; therefore causing issues in our, much needed, dynamic. Without trust, I cannot submit. Without submission, Sir is not get what he wants and needs. When neither party’s needs are being fulfilled in the relationship, then the whole thing begins to unravel. Sir would never accept the “because I felt like it response” from me. Communication is the key to every relationship. This response is nothing but an inability to communicate. For me, it means that I simply do not want to talk about it. Sir and I have to communicate and not play head games or make assumptions about what the other does or does not know. For us it is better to over share than not share at all.

I will be the first to admit many of my faults. One of these faults being my inability to communicate my emotions properly. When I get overwhelmed with my own emotions I tend to just get angry and volatile and simply shut down. I stop the communication between Sir and I, which obviously is not healthy. It is not healthy in a vanilla relationship and certainly is not in a D/s relationship.

I am working on this by doing journals, especially after something happens. This is a valuable tool for a few reasons. I communicate best with written/typed words. I cannot always communicate immediately after something occurs, sometimes it takes days for me to properly produce the words, but at least I ultimately produce something. It also serves as a tool to where I can look back at where I have started and to where I am now. Personal growth is a hard thing to see and realize. Yet when I can see where I started at with him with my first writings and to see where I am at now, it helps me become more comfortable that there is a reason why I do this.

I strive to communicate with Sir better on a daily basis, to open myself up even when it is hard. In life, we are always communicating in some way with someone, so this is not just a learning experience for me, but also for Sir. We both have to learn how to communicate with each other, because, let us face it, not everyone communicates in the same way. I can see the frustration on Sir’s face when I do not talk, when I do not open up. These occasions become less and less as we learn to work with each other instead of against each other. We will always be learning how to communicate with each other, because people change, but as long as we are open to learning about each other communication should get easier. We have to meet in the middle on communication and sometimes one has to give more than the other in order for both needs to be met.

Written by myself. Copy edited by Sir Dennis. :)

My Core

1. Your core is who you are. Who are you?

I am a mother, when I had my little ones I changed. I became less harsh and aggressive and dominant. I became nurturing and loving. They are my first true loves.
a submissive, I submit because it takes all of the over analyzing, control freak habits that I have and allows me to get rid of them. Those habits aren’t part of who I truly am they are more part of what I feel that I have to be in my life in order to make it into the future, sometimes it’s just day to day.
a student, I love to learn. I really do enjoy being in school. Working on my brain is one of my favorite things to do. an over emotional wreck. This stems from my own past of abuse that started in my child hood and then it reoccurred in my adult life. It has led to years of depression, night terrors, anxiety, and mixed with other events has led to PTSD.
an attention whore, this plays into my being a farce. The mask of a happy bubbly person that everyone gets along with and enjoys being around is a good way to keep myself busy to everyone doesn’t see the muddle shit behind the attention whore act.
I am a farce. I can play the part of pretending to be okay better than anyone I know and I have been able to do it for many years, longer than most people can remember back in their lives.

2. What part of you is most touched or healed by submission?

Submission for me is a release from the duties that surround my time apart from being with Sir. It’s an escape. I don’t have to think because everything is simple and laid out. I am not the one in control and I don’t have to worry about needing to control things because I should trust the person I am with to guide me.

3. What part of you is most challenged?

Right now my happiness is truly being challenged, because I am feeling very lost in what I think I should be, what my heart and brain think I should be, what I need, and what everyone else thinks about what I need and want.

4. When you share your core with someone, in the right hands, it thrives. In the wrong hands, it withers. What makes your core thrive? What makes it wither?

I thrive in an environment with a strong leader. I have a strong personality as is and I generally need someone maybe not stronger than me, but strong in many ways that I am not. I am not a good leader at all, so the person whose hands I am in has to be able to lead, and the also have to be patient, because just like everyone else on this planet, I require work. None of us are perfect for the other, we just have to try and be level headed and work together, instead of fighting each other. I whither the moment my trust is breached, just like everyone else. I have issues rebuilding my trust in someone because it’s just been broken too often and it’s hard to shut my brain off when it tells me that, “E, this has happened in the past!!!!!!!!!!!!”

5. Do you protect your core? Do you feel you need to? And if you do, what measures do you take to do so?

It all depends on where I am at that moment. When I am on my own, I protect myself through various means, some of which I covered in question one. When I am with someone I try my best to be much less guarded and just relax. Being overly guarded with my core won’t allow me to grow, it just keep me hindered and stuck in the same rut.

Refocus

I am going to start returning my focus to where it should be. I have been very distracted lately and that has gotten me nowhere. I have only gained a whole bunch of drama and nonsense. Taking care of Sir should be my only focus right now, other than my family and my schoolwork. I need to be thinking of my future. We all get a little side tracked in life, and I, being new to the lifestyle, got a little caught up and distracted with everything going on that I forgot what I originally wanted, and surprisingly enough, that is still generally what I want. It is great to have friends and let loose and have fun, but this can sometimes come with a cost. I seem to have come upon an imbalance in my life and it is time to try to adjust. It will take a few adjustments to get where I need to go, but it will be worth it.

Time to focus in closer on what I want and cut out SOME of the nonsense.

My battle

Sorry this is all over the place. I just wrote

My battle…

At a young age, I started battle what some call a fake illness. It was all in my head they said…

Until a certain age, I was a normal and happy, but then I changed. I was molested and ultimately raped by someone very close to me, someone I saw every day at that time. This did not last very long, but the impact that it had on my life still affects me today. After this happened I became moody, angry, and I did not care about anything, not even myself. Three years after this, my parents divorced. This took me from bad to worse. I finally decided that it was best for me to just end my own life, an over dramatic cry for help right? I spent four days in an ICU and eleven days in a psych ward. Yup, my depression drove me to that. I was then put on meds and it balanced me out, until eventually I was no longer taking it and things were bad again. I continued many years in a severely depressed state, and everything showed it my grades, my appearance, and how I treated those around me. My first real boyfriend can vouch for how “crazy” I really was. Everyone back then literally called me crazy. To this day, some people from back then consider me a crazy bitch. In reality I do not think I was crazy, just a young sufferer of depression. Since then, I have been through now two failed marriages, lots of flings, and no stable relationships. None. I have not had a close friend in probably fifteen years. I have no clue what a “normal” (I use the term normal very loosely because what really is normal? Lol) stable relationship is like. In 2007, adding to my depression there was a very special man in my life. I lost him in what seems like the blink of an eye. He’s been gone six years. After this, I hid. I sat at home. Avoided anything and everything outside of it.

Last fall I was diagnosed with ADD, sleep issues, and depression, again. I don’t believe my depression ever went away, it was just swept under the rug for so many years. I have always had sleep issues. I consistently have nightmares and night terrors. I frequently wake up in a terrified state. I struggle to remember the pills because with ADD and depression I am incredibly forgetful. Recently I returned to being on my anti-depressant, my ADD meds, and on occasion for a good night’s sleep, a sleep aid. I have started to wonder if I will ever be able to be happy without the help of meds. Can I really function without them and be happy? When I am not on them, many people notice, whether they realize it or not. When I am on them, I am happy, perky, and very easy going. When I am not I am negative, bitchy, and just not fun to be around.

My depression is all in my head, but not in the way people think. I don't make up these feelings I have, I'd be much happier without most of them. My depression was swept under the rug and ignored and often I hide it because if I tell people how I really felt, I would risk everything that I know and love because in many people's heads a person who is depressed shouldn't be a parent, because they aren't capable of rational thoughts, Right?

Depression is often ridiculed, with the use of terms like "crazy". Depression is real. Depression is not a laughing matter. I am not crazy, I am just a depressed woman.

Self-Esteem

There are certain things that occur in our adult lives that make us question ourselves. Everyone around us tells us to not let it affect ourselves the way it is, but most people, some only for the briefest moment, will question themselves and their worth. For many we fight our whole lives to get a foothold in our self-esteem. Some struggle more than others do. Some people cannot look into the mirror without tearing themselves apart. Throughout younger years, we think that maybe as we get older that it will get better, but unfortunately, for many, it does not. Occasionally we match our self-esteem with what others think of us. You might have people around you telling you that you are uglier than sin and should hide under a rock. They might be telling you to lose some weight, that it is disgusting. On the other end, they could be telling you that you are absolutely beautiful. That you are so skinny and that is pretty. Many of us have decent support systems that we get less of the negative comments in our lives, but yet we still battle with ourselves.

I am told daily that I am beautiful. That I am sexy. I hear these comments, but I put no stock in them. I look in a mirror and all I see are flaws. From head to toe I can pick out at least one issue with every part of my body, even in the most flattering of images, I can still tear myself a new one. I have a daily struggle with my own self-esteem. It was on a high note until recently. I was happy, loved myself, and loved my life. One day I found out that one person in my life that means the world to me has very much betrayed me. This has caused me to question myself and my looks. Ultimately, I know that I will see it for what it truly is, not an issue with me, but this other person has an issue within himself or herself, but until I get to that point, no one can really help me. I can only help myself.

That is what it boils down to… What others do and say to us can really affect our own self-esteem, but after a certain point, we have to take charge and accept that we are in charge of our SELF-esteem. Work on those issues with the negative people in our lives, cannot fix it? Then boot them. You cannot work on yourself with a little negative devil on your shoulder.