My battle

Sorry this is all over the place. I just wrote

My battle…

At a young age, I started battle what some call a fake illness. It was all in my head they said…

Until a certain age, I was a normal and happy, but then I changed. I was molested and ultimately raped by someone very close to me, someone I saw every day at that time. This did not last very long, but the impact that it had on my life still affects me today. After this happened I became moody, angry, and I did not care about anything, not even myself. Three years after this, my parents divorced. This took me from bad to worse. I finally decided that it was best for me to just end my own life, an over dramatic cry for help right? I spent four days in an ICU and eleven days in a psych ward. Yup, my depression drove me to that. I was then put on meds and it balanced me out, until eventually I was no longer taking it and things were bad again. I continued many years in a severely depressed state, and everything showed it my grades, my appearance, and how I treated those around me. My first real boyfriend can vouch for how “crazy” I really was. Everyone back then literally called me crazy. To this day, some people from back then consider me a crazy bitch. In reality I do not think I was crazy, just a young sufferer of depression. Since then, I have been through now two failed marriages, lots of flings, and no stable relationships. None. I have not had a close friend in probably fifteen years. I have no clue what a “normal” (I use the term normal very loosely because what really is normal? Lol) stable relationship is like. In 2007, adding to my depression there was a very special man in my life. I lost him in what seems like the blink of an eye. He’s been gone six years. After this, I hid. I sat at home. Avoided anything and everything outside of it.

Last fall I was diagnosed with ADD, sleep issues, and depression, again. I don’t believe my depression ever went away, it was just swept under the rug for so many years. I have always had sleep issues. I consistently have nightmares and night terrors. I frequently wake up in a terrified state. I struggle to remember the pills because with ADD and depression I am incredibly forgetful. Recently I returned to being on my anti-depressant, my ADD meds, and on occasion for a good night’s sleep, a sleep aid. I have started to wonder if I will ever be able to be happy without the help of meds. Can I really function without them and be happy? When I am not on them, many people notice, whether they realize it or not. When I am on them, I am happy, perky, and very easy going. When I am not I am negative, bitchy, and just not fun to be around.

My depression is all in my head, but not in the way people think. I don't make up these feelings I have, I'd be much happier without most of them. My depression was swept under the rug and ignored and often I hide it because if I tell people how I really felt, I would risk everything that I know and love because in many people's heads a person who is depressed shouldn't be a parent, because they aren't capable of rational thoughts, Right?

Depression is often ridiculed, with the use of terms like "crazy". Depression is real. Depression is not a laughing matter. I am not crazy, I am just a depressed woman.