What I might need

I have come to a realization here lately, and with the aid of a friend, I have figured out part of why I do what I do when it comes down to relationships. I have run most of my relationships. I am may have been the bottom in one of two of them, but ultimately I topped. Now this is not to say that the men that I have been with are weak or in any way diminished by the fact that I topped. It simply comes down to the fact that I, more than likely, will require a strong man. Someone who isn’t swayed by the cuteness, the tears, or the battiness. I need someone who has the ability to tell me no. I haven’t really found that just yet, not in the form of an available interested single man at least. 

I have also realized that I have been wanting an “open relationship” but in reality this was just a test, I wanted someone to tell me no. To tell me that I am theirs and we will do things their way. When someone fails this after a while I will start getting bored and I will manipulate them and push them away until they leave, because I deem them unworthy of me. This is a new realization for myself, so this is not say that I have done this in the past because I knew exactly what I was doing. I really had very little idea, although some already new, it took me really seeing it to understand it.

 I have never hid that I am fickle. Never hid that I have issues dealing with emotions, whether they be mine or someone else’s. I don’t try to pretend that I am a great woman that is level headed. I’m not close to being that, but I still consider myself to be a decent person. I am 25 years old. I am still working on me and what I know. It’ll take a lifetime to figure myself out.